We’ve heard it all before. Beauty is fleeting. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is on the inside! These are all great (and true) sentiments, but God also gave us eyeballs, which makes it really easy to swoon over Ryan Gosling. I actually had to pause writing for a moment to reflect on his attractiveness. Selah.
Here’s a funny story: I was once chatting with a guy I was a bit keen on, and he was telling me about his “ideal girl.” He said stuff like…. Someone who’s smart, fun, generous, creative, consistent….
Ummmmmm….. Sup, bro? I mean, unless I have a really skewed perception of who I am, I feel like most of these things describe me, at least to an extent. Which leads me to only one conclusion.
All men are liars – only kidding! It made me realize that there’s this crazy combination of what we want and what we need in relationships and in life. It also made me realize that I take rejection way too personally.
The more I think about it, the more I realize, there are guys who I think are amazing, who I adore being friends with, who I think are good looking, but I probably wouldn’t date them. Why? To be honest, I can’t quite tell you.
But here’s what I do know. I have a few non-negotiables. Whilst I mostly keep an open heart and mind, there are a few things on which I cannot be swayed.
For me, it goes almost without mentioning, but I want to be with someone of the same faith. That isn’t to offend anyone of another faith or no faith at all, but it’s something that is so intricately woven into the fibers of my being, something so personal that I can’t imagine doing life with someone who doesn’t share that connection.
Another thing would absolutely be someone who’s generous. Whether it be with time or money, I want to spend my days with someone who lives with an open hand. I don’t want someone who’s stingy with their friendships and their resources. Generosity is a stance, and there’s something startling and divine about living out of that.
And also, just putting it out there, but consistency is freaking SEXY. Like, throw you up against the wall and make out with you sexy. When what you say is what you mean, and you consistently act within the context of your character, you are officially on Ryan Gosling level.
To me, these things make an attractive man. I don’t want to marry someone ugly, and I think that these characteristics make someone beautiful. Outside of those three things, I try to keep an open heart. Because at the end of the day, I think I know what I need, but there’s also an element of trust that God’s got my back when it comes to relationships.
Of course, the physical aspect plays a role. But I think we have it twisted, placing so much emphasis on chemistry, spark, and attractiveness. And when we approach relationships with a long litany of qualifications for our perfect husband, we’re kind of setting ourselves up for failure.
Can I be real for a second?
Lately, I’ve been so frustrated with being single. I’m just tired of doing life alone, you know? I want a teammate, someone I can depend on. I know if I really wanted to, I could go out this weekend and convince some random guy to be my boyfriend for a second, but instead I’m sitting at home on a Friday night watching FRIENDS (for the bajillionth time). Why?
Well, because I don’t want to settle, and also, dating is exhausting. I won’t sugarcoat it. It takes work. I think a lot of times, as Christians, we hide behind the cliche of “waiting for God to bring us a mate.” Sure, that sounds super easy, but I’m tired of being super single.
Dating is an active thing. It requires you to put yourself out there knowing that you’re going to get rejected from time to time. But it only takes one. One person who laughs at your (terrible) jokes, who shares your outlook on life, who’s running hard after God.
So please, from my heart to yours, know you are valuable. You are worthy of love. There’s nothing wrong with you. Singleness is not a disease, and marriage is not the cure. Don’t be afraid to put your heart out there a little bit, and if you get friend zoned, just dust yourself off and try again. It only takes one.
By Jenna Frank