I have a love/hate relationship with my phone. There are days when I just want to throw it into the ocean and never look back. You feel me?
I think I hate it because smartphones and social media have created this false sense of connectivity and it’s affecting all of our relationships, mostly to our detriment. We’re slowly letting it, like the frog that doesn’t know it’s being boiled!
It’s so easy to be like, “Oh, sorry, I’m busy.” Or “I’d love to, but….” When in actuality, we’re just chilling at home with our dog or cat and don’t want to go. False connectivity and the justification of little white lies to spare people’s feelings.
Getting to know people over text is my personal nightmare. I can portray any part of myself and my heart via text and filter it thoroughly before I hit send. Let’s be honest, half my texts to boys are co-written by my bestie (Cheers, Mal) or my girl squad. I’m only messaging you when it’s convenient for me, and when I feel like putting my best foot forward.
So what does my phone have to do with dating and waiting for love? Well, I think the social media age has skewed our perception of love, intimacy and relationships. You’ve heard all the cliches. A microwave mentality (I want what I want, and I want it now)! An undeserving yet entitled generation. Least I forget a swipe left expectation (what if something or someone better comes along). We’re victims of our culture.
If you’re in the church world, it adds an entire other layer to this. Dating is tricky, because we don’t want to go around breaking hearts and then seeing those same people every week at church. I get it. It’s really hard to lead worship next to the guy or girl who just friend zoned you. So what happens? Well, I think as women, a lot of times we invest more than we should in friendships with the opposite sex.
We’ve put so much pressure on not having sex with someone until you’re married, which is obviously biblical and GOOD, but what about emotional intimacy? How much is too much to give in a friendship with someone of the opposite sex? Someone recently challenged me saying…. “Cool, so you’re a virgin, but how much weight does that really carry if you’ve given away every other piece of your heart emotionally and spiritually?” In trying to “guard our hearts” by kissing dating goodbye, we’ve unknowingly given our hearts away, piece by valuable piece. (OUCH!)
We need to rethink dating, and go about it in a way where we aren’t giving away too much to a single person before there is a commitment involved. I get it. Everyone wants to be in a nurturing relationship, and sometimes, as Christians, because we’re trying to keep the physical aspect in check, we only invest in emotional and spiritual intimacy. Which, in my opinion, should be viewed as just as ‘dangerous’ and just as valuable.
On a super practical level, if you’ve observed someone at church, in small group, wherever, and there’s a bit of interest there, I think it’s smart and totally do-able to go on up to 3 dates with that person. Just to figure out if there’s anything more there. And if it doesn’t work out, both parties will likely be able to walk away without harbouring any resentment or hurt feelings. This requires (gasp) transparency, clarity, and genuine communication and openness. Basically, it requires us to be adults about our feelings, and take responsibility for our words and actions.
It’s so easy to fall into pseudo-dating. Trust me. I’ve been there more times than I’d like to count. For so long, I thought as long as I wasn’t making out with every guy who looked at me, I was doing alright. I didn’t realise what it was costing me to invest my emotional worth without a commitment. But I just don’t think my heart can take any more pseudo-dating. No more being scared of commitment or left wondering if there is someone out there who is better. I don’t want any more emotional “boyfriends”. That’s not fair to any of us.
So what’s actually valuable in a relationship? Find out more in Part III.
By Jenna Frank